Everything I Know...

I'm about 1/4 way through a major clean-up of our bedroom and I've just finished my lingerie drawer. Now, I worked in a lingerie store for three years through uni and I've accumulated so many bras and panties and slips and lacy pieces of material masquerading as sleep wear. I'm chucking most of it away unworn.

The point of this post is to a) have you imagine me in my underwear and b) to question my choices in underwear in the past.

Firstly, I bought about 25 different lace camisoles in all shades of pink imaginable and never, ever had the need to wear them. Secondly, mini g-strings - why God, why?.

My man likes me in simple undies, white hipster knickers and a plain white tank top to match. It's comfy and sexy all at once.

Okay, I really have too much to do right now... I'm just putting it off by writing this crap.

Reading this article, has made me face facts - I'm bored and in a rut and have been for some time.

It is something that only I can change, I know this. I just can't understand WHY I'm bored. I have great friends, my family is really fun, I'm head over heels with my man and I make pretty good money, my apartment rocks, I have lot's of things, and I'm not too fat or too thin...

... but I'm TIRED! So tired all the time. I've had test after test and nothing is wrong health wise. It's all in my head apparently.

...your life will improve considerably if the first question you ask yourself each morning is not 'what must I do today?' but 'what would I like to do today?'.

That's easy enough to say, but if you've gotta work you've gotta work. If I asked myself 'what would I like to do today?' I would stay in bed ALL DAY. Because that's all I want to do. That's all! Sleep!

My mum would say that I'm "stuck in the doldrums" and y'know? that explains how I feel quite well - doldrummy.

I'm an indecisive person. Anyone who knows me knows this. Especially my long-suffering boyfriend, who has stood waiting for me to decide on where we'll eat, what brand of shampoo and conditioner (straight or curly? I'm both!), which book to read, what colour shoes... you get the picture.

Even my mother, my own flesh and blood has commented on my indecisiveness. While shopping, she looked at me, When did you get so indecisive? You see, I used to have LISTS of presents I definitely wanted for my birthday and Christmas, however this year I have no clue. I mean, I have a few things I'd love to receive as a gift, but my problem is I don't want to 'lock it in'.

I've never been that hard to buy for! Never! And I've never been so uncertain about every day things. I dither my way through every day, hoping that I'm making the right decisions for myself.

I mean, if girl can't decide what she wants to eat, how can she choose her career? Or whether or not she should quit her job? Or pick a fucking dentist for christ's sake? Huh?

...breath...

So! I've invested in a device which will make my decisions for me. A magic 8 ball. Ta da! Magic! Every time I need to make a decsion - out comes Madge (I named it.. I have to be able to say "Madge decided to do that" if the decision turns out to be wrong.)

My only problem now is stopping myself from asking the same question over and over until I get the response I think I want.

Should I quit my job? Shake shake shake All signs point to no , Nope, shake shake shake. It looks doubtful Nope, Shake shake shake. It is decidedly so , Well alright!

Walking home today, I was following a little, homeless woman through the mall. She was walking incredibly slowly and I'm a fast walker so I was gaining on her quite rapidly. I'm just about to overtake her when she whips around to face me, then shrinks back asking in a trembling voice "Why are you following me, Miss?". I looked at her, surprised that she seemed afraid of me and told her soothingly "I'm not following you, I'm just walking." I overtake her, only glancing back once to see her look at me with a puzzled expression.

I admit, I must have looked a little intimidating, I'm 5'10" and was wearing 3" heels, plus was dressed in a black business suit with my hair pulled back and glasses on. She was 5" nothing and was dressed in rags, her hair in knots and a squinty look in her eye.

The encounter left me shaken. I help when I can, give when I can and feel bad when I can, but I've realised that this may not be enough.

A few months ago I was eating my lunch in the sun, when a man approached me asking for money. I felt annoyed and angry. I work so hard for my money and here is this loser with the nerve to want some of it. After I rudely told him no, he walked away with a small glance at my half eaten sandwich. "Wait!" I called out, "Do you want this?" offering the sandwich. He looked at me with such relief and gratitude that my heart swelled so much I thought it would burst. Now I look back, I think Fuck, it was only a half eaten sandwich, you think I'd bathed his blistered feet and given him a massage I felt so moral and high-and-mighty

Thinking about these two separate incidences makes me want to do more - much more. I finish work early tomorrow and will be signing up at the volunteer association for anything they want me to do. I need to be less of a taker and more of a giver.

I went to a wedding on Sunday and caught the bouquet...

I saw Brokeback Mountain and hated it...

I've rediscovered sushi and am in love once again...

I caught up with old friends and am sad at how much they've changed or how I've changed and it feels like we don't fit together anymore...

I have to go to work now and it is literally, literally the last thing I want to be doing...

Long, long, long, loooong week. But! I have a three day weekend!

Tonight will be a bit of a catch up with neglected friends and the usual with the same-old friends. At 24-nearly-25, you'd think I'd be over goon, but nope! I'll be drinking from a cask like a first year uni student.

Question: If your boss tells you look hot, can you still consider it sexual harrassment if you're flattered?

Click!

I think it's pretty cool...

Oh, where do I begin to tell you about the night I had last night? I woke this morning feeling like I had head butted a brick wall and licked the bottom of a garbage bin.

The highlight of my night was watching a chick vomit and then five minutes later seeing my friend's ex stand in it.

So, I've spent the majority of the day sunbaking on our balcony reading up for my trip to Europe...

...on a side note, did you know that in Bulgaria, you shake your head for yes and nod you head for no. Ha! Those crazy Bulgarians...

Anyhow, we're having a bbq tonight to welcome home my roommate who has been in Thailand. Hopefully it will be low key so I don't feel like I'm feeling now tomorrow at work.

On another side note, it's my birthday in less than a month and I'm at a loss for what I should do. It's my 25th so I'll want it to be great, and was thinking about having a cocktail party or a costume party, but these things require planning and I'm not great a planning things for myself. I'm really very good at planning parties for other people, but I feel stressed when I have to do one for me. Aye, aye aye.

I spent the majority of today wishing that I didn't work where I work. An entire day in a training room with a group of people whose main purpose in life it seems is to bitch about the job that we have to do. Seriously, if you hate the job that much then leave. Now I sound like a hypocrite, but you should hear these people. One of the ladies had an apparent love of the word "presume", however she says it "prezzz-uuume". Bah! It killed me each and every one of the 42 times she siad it! The guy I was sitting next to spent the first half of the day drawing lightening bolts, swords and aliens, and then the second half doing weird math problems in his notebook, A+5, 6+H etc etc...

So why do I still work there? Well they have a program where you can take up to a year of leave and still come back. So next year I'll go overseas for my little adventure and come back to a job without any worries. Oh! It's all too easy. I just have to get through the next 12-18 months in a job that I hate. But I WILL NOT complain the way my colleagues do (out loud - I'd rather vent on this blog :) Our job sucks, but we get paid way more than any other person in our type of job and the conditions are fantastic.

Work => $$$$ => Overseas Adventure => The only thing I want to do with my life right now!

Oooohh! I like that little flow chart. Means to an end baby, means to an end.

Ciao!